One billion years ago (approx) at the beginning of the bizarro reality that 2020 has become, my wife developed a bad habit that I feared would destroy our family: she started looking at dogs on Facebook. It started innocently enough—she just needed a little hit of cuteness to offset the crushing weight of the news-of-the-day—but I could see the endgame coming from a mile away. Looking through Facebook marketplace for dogs is the gateway drug. This was the digital equivalent of a trip to the animal shelter “just to see what they have.” What they have is twelve thousand cute doggos begging for a second chance at life! No one leaves the pound empty-handed.
Instead of fighting the inevitability of a second dog (yes, that’s right, second) I decided to lean in and engage the conversation with my one demand: no puppies. Real talk: my house is bananas. We have two kids in digital school, one in digital pre-school (yes, that’s a real thing. Yes, it’s as chaotic as you think), another doing digital therapy four times a week, and two people working remotely. Our idea of a fun night out right now is shoving everyone in the van and doing grocery pickup while our kids watch Scoob for the fifteenth time in the backseat. It feels like we’ve all been occupying the same twenty square feet of space since March and the last thing I wanted to add to that space was a dog that needed let out six times per night. I don’t have much left, man. Daddy needs his sleep.
Luckily, my wife was on the same page, and we agreed to find a medium-sized, one-year-old dog. Do you know who else was looking for a dog? Everyone in America. The shelters are empty! Prices have skyrocketed! Honestly, looking for a new dog had me looking at the old dog a little sideways. Were we sitting on a goldmine? WHAT COULD THIS FINE AND WELL TRAINED* ANIMAL FETCH ON THE OPEN MARKET? For a while, market pressures foiled my wife’s plans, but she remained undetered. She’d become a full blown addict. And eventually, she found him. The perfect dog. Max the Goldendoodle.
Are Goldendoodles medium-sized dogs? Reader, they are not. What they are, though, is the official dog of white people™. When my wife announced we had added Max to our family, white people came out of the WOODWORK to tell us how wonderful doodles are. So gentle. So smart. So doodle-y. Like all dads, I wanted to be all “I can’t believe we got a dog. Think of the clean up. The kids will never help. Mumble grumble mumble” but I can’t because the white people are right! The dog is just. Too. Cute. Look at this freaking Instagram! It’s amazing! Whenever I feel sad, I just cue up this Insta and soon I’m grinning like an idiot.
So yeah, maybe I was bamboozled by my wife (wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last) and, yeah, maybe walking my Goldendoodle around my suburban neighborhood is the final nail in my basic coffin, but even a hard-hearted Scrooge like me has to admit that Max is a very good boy and our home is happier with him in it. If we all have to spend the rest of our lives together cooped up in this house, we might as well have a fluffball to share it with.
*Olive (the old dog) is decidedly not well trained
ON TO THE LINKS!
I’ve been trying to get in the spooky mood this October, so I watched The Haunting of Hill House on Netflix and then read the Shirley Jackson book that inspired it. I’m a pretty soft touch with scary stuff but the show wasn’t too bad and the book had some big time “The Yellow Wallpaper” vibes. If you’re looking for some more contemporary scary fiction, my friend Jeremy who writes the What to Read Next newsletter (which you NEED to sign up for if you love to read) has offered these hot tips:
Misery by Stephen King
I’ve read plenty of Stephen King over the years but had never picked up one of his classics before this fall: 1987’s Misery. You likely know the gist of the plot (because the movie is also great): Crazed Annie Wilkes—the perfect villain and “number one fan”—has taken famous writer Paul Sheldon hostage after she rescued him from a car crash. Paul is confused, at first, but quickly realizes he’s not getting out of his bedroom anytime soon. Annie insists, in the only torturous way she knows how, that her hostage writes a novel that’s to her liking. Easily one of my favorite fiction reads of 2020.
A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay
Paul Tremblay is relatively new to the horror scene, but has quickly become one of my favorites. In the beginning of A Head Full of Ghosts, the reader might think it to be a story of a young woman possessed by a demon. But then Tremblay flips that classic horror sub-genre on its head in a number of ways. I hate to give away too much of the story, so I’ll just say that we get: a reality show, an exorcism, a book-within-a-book storyline, a (perhaps crazy?) religious zealot, a creeptacular old house, a zig-zagging timeline, and an ending that left me truly shocked.
Don’t miss out on any of Paul’s work.
“The Most Dangerous Game” by Richard Connell
In one of the most popular short stories of all time, Connell imagines a big-game hunter who’s become bored with his prey. So, on his private island, he stocks a different kind of game—the most cunning and dangerous animal of all. That’s right: General Zaroff hunts humans.
Then Sanger Rainsford, a big-game hunter himself, washes ashore after accidentally falling off his boat. At first, him and Zaroff hit it off. The General reveals his secret, though, and asks his guest to hunt with him. Sanger has different plans, but the General isn’t so keen on letting him get off the island and spill the beans about what’s really going on.
And the hunt ensues.
Thanks, Jeremy! Sounds like I won’t be sleeping until 2021!
The irony of me writing anything about “style” while sitting in my Adidas slides and my bleach stained Old Navy hoodie (circa 2009) is not lost on me. But when Nick Ploucha reached out to me about this dope shirt, I knew I had to include it. The best part? If you buy a shirt, 100% of the proceeds go to a food pantry. Here’s Nick:
2020 has been revelatory. Whether you've tried not to get involved OR you're burned out, it's always important to take some time to reflect and reorient yourself. I designed this shirt to remind you where to start.
Care about truth. Care about beauty. Care about justice. Care about decency. Care about someone besides yourself. Care about an issue that isn't yours.
Make no mistake that it is on us to be moved. It's our responsibility. As long as we actively care, though, we will never find ourselves off the right path.
I said I wanted to do something; this the first fruits of that desire. I had a limited number of these shirts made and will donate 100% of the proceeds to a St. Vincent de Paul food pantry in the Midwest.
Nick has three more of the “Care” shirts and then he’s making an “Act” shirt with the proceeds going toward racial justice. Not a bad way to spend your money.
My wife and I just finished watching “Emily in Paris” on Netflix. If you love Hallmark movies but wish they were a little more TV-14, this show is for YOU. All the beautiful people and shameless optimism PLUS network TV swears! It’s a win-win! The show features a chef and an ongoing omelette joke, but as this article points out, plays into some pretty negative stereotypes about cast iron. That’s serious stuff, folks. If you spend more then 10 minutes with me, you’re gonna hear about my cast iron and that will for SURE include my maintenance routine. It’s as thrilling as it sounds.
In other food news, Aldi now sells enamel dutch ovens. Move over Le Creuset, Aldi is taking over this town! Does my wife follow Aldi Finds fan accounts? IS A GOLDENDOODLE ADORABLE?
This type of internet writing isn’t for everyone, but if you have 20 minutes you should for sure check this out. This blog has got me feeling like Stefon out here because it has EVERYTHING.
Political intrigue, references to early 2000’s pop culture, jokes about Australian culture, borderline illegal shenanigans… I realize that probably UNsold most people, so I’ll just shut up and tell you to read it. Seriously, click this right now.
And if that blog starts feeling too long, you always have Drew Magary’s blessing to start skimming it.
I was talking to a friend of mine recently and he said to me “I didn’t realize how nerdy you’ve become.” Moi? Nerdy?
Okay. Fine.
But the joke’s on him, because I’m having a blast playing retro games and reading classic graphic novels. And I’m pretty sure my wife thinks its sexy that I’m playing a Zelda game that was released in 1992. No woman can resist a man with such sweet Game Boy Advanced skillz.
In other nerd news, I picked up Star Wars Squadrons last week and I love it. Flight sims aren’t really my thing, but I never say no to flying an X-Wing.
Congrats on making it to the end of the letter. If you enjoyed it, how about forwarding it to a friend? You know I hate asking, but the hustle is REAL. If you’ve seen anything cool/weird/noteworthy floating around the internet lately go ahead and hit me up with it. Got an idea for something to feature in a section? As you can see, I’m glad to share the space.
Next newsletter comes out October 30. I’ll try to rustle up some spooky stuff for you.
‘til next time…
you know what’s on my reading list??
THIS BLOG, newsletter, stream of conciousness, whatever it is.
and hey, talk about nerds and retro, how about that video blog you used to do? i miss that but this will do.
keep it up. please.