Reader, it’s been too long. In fact, as I look back, I can see precisely how long it’s been: the last newsletter I hit “publish” on landed in your inbox on May 21st. By one metric of time, that was three months ago—a summer break, if you will—but calculated in “pandemic time” YEARS have passed. That newsletter was about finishing up a year of virtual schooling and I actually had the optimistic audacity to write these words:
Hahahahahahaha ha ha *gasp* ha. That light turned out to be a train named Delta and I’m actually beginning to wonder if the world ended in 2015 and we’re all in the purgatory-esque space from Lost. Instead of smoke monsters and bunkers we got Qanon and Covid and, honestly, I would like to make a trade. I enjoyed approximately 12 minutes of summer before the word “variant” crash landed in our collective consciousness and now I’m right back where I swore I’d never be: at the beginning of another remote school year.
And I’m not going to lie to you: I don’t like it. I didn’t realize just how much I didn’t like it until my wife (correctly) pointed out that the kids should probably, you know, have a real “school room” and not just wander through the house with Chromebooks in hand like destitute Gen Z zombies. The moment she said those words—we need a school room—the entire 2020/21 school year flashed before my eyes and all I wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position. In moments of beauty people talk about hearing the angels singing, but in that moment all I could hear was Band of Horses riffing in a minor key. To have worked so very hard to stay so very safe for so very long only to have so very little to show for it is so very demoralizing.
But we’ll be fine. I know that’s an aggressively white person thing to say, but I’m willing it to be true. I am MANIFESTING fine. My kids are actually excited because they realized that virtual school doesn’t have a dress code so they can revert to wearing shorts and Under Armour every moment of their lives the way God intended. And I do have the glorious vaccine coursing through my veins so I there are social situations open to me now than were closed a year ago. And I have the added benefit of the self-righteousness that comes with getting the jab pre-Delta. I think my body is producing additional antibodies on the power of smugness alone.
So until my kiddos can get vaxxed, I’m back on dad/principal/teacher/lunch lady duty and I’m just going to have to deal with it. I’m sure someday we’ll all look back on these moments with fondness. Either that or we’ll wake up tomorrow on January 1, 2016 and try not to mess it up this time.
TO THE LINKS!
As much as I like to do “famous newsletter guy” cosplay, the reality is that if you’re reading this, we know each other IRL (hey, Ben!) and you already know this but my wife wrote a freaking book! Unlike me, she is QUITE gifted with a turn of phrase so you should immediately preorder a copy.
I’ve shouted this newsletter out before, but if you love to read—or just love to pretend to read like me—you should really subscribe to Read More Books. Jeremy reads everything so you don’t have to. That should be the catchphrase, actually. Send me some royalties, bro.
I found myself feeling strangely patriotic over the 4th of July this summer. Maybe the experiencing of almost losing something makes you appreciate it more, you know? If you feel the same way, you’ll appreciate this 25-years-later review of the GOAT 4th of July movie—Independence Day. 25 years ago they figured the most outlandish part of this movie was aliens, but today we know what it really is: people agreeing to band together to fight a common enemy. (Too soon?)
Here’s the classic “link you must click and read” point in the newsletter: Esquire did a profile on Owen Wilson and it made me laugh, cry, and reconsider many life choices all in the span of 20 minutes. Truly a beautiful piece of writing that you should not miss out on.
I’m a proud Iowan—even though these days it decidedly does NOT feel like heaven—so I was excited to watch the Field of Dreams game and enjoy gratuitous drone footage of corn. What we ended up with was maybe the greatest regular season game ever that exceeded everyone’s expectations and a guarantee of another to be played next year. These are the things that keep my hopelessness in check, folks.
Finally, Drew Magary is back on his “Why Your Team Sucks” grind at Defector (you get a few reads for free!) and, as always, they’re worth every minute you spend reading them. I might not watch the NFL anymore, but I’ll sure read about it.
Once again we’ve come to the end and once again I will shamelessly ask you to pass this newsletter along to anyone you think might enjoy it.
Maybe someday I’ll graduate from cosplaying a famous newsletter guy and actually BE one! You can help make that wish come true…
Until next time…